Dr. Michael Greger was the token nutritionist at the D.C. VegFest, one of the few doctors that vegans can trust - a vegan doctor. He had a booth promoting his book Carbophobia: The Scary Truth About America’s Low Carb Craze, but the main attraction was his lecture.
His gimmick was that he introduced a food that vegans rely on - tofu, seitan or potatoes, for instance, and asked the vegans in the audience whether they thought the food was either helpful, harmful or harmless (completely neutral). Then he would deliver his own verdict, the truth. His job is giving vegans more food to avoid, essentially.
Well he basically has to, right? If cutting out animal products automatically provided the healthiest diet, there would be no room for vegan specialists. Fortunately for Dr. Gregor, there is plenty that can go wrong with a vegan diet; they need his help.
Vegans only trust other vegans (non-vegans discredit themselves by advocating a non-vegan diet), so if you want to manipulate a vegan crowd to your will, start off by saying, “Well first of all, avoid all animals products.” They will believe everything you say after that. Even if you have some bad news for them.
“Baked potatoes,” Dr. Greger bellowed. “Helpful, harmful or harmless, do I have any contestants? Who votes harmful? Who votes harmless? And who votes helpful? It’s a baked potato, for God’s sake!” Most people voted harmless. But they were wrong. “Harmful was the right answer,” he exclaimed. Potatoes have a deadly poison called solanine - avoid them. The anti-nightshade macrobiotics in the crowd were feeling vindicated, but mostly there were groans.
“What about coconut milk?” Dr. Greger asked rhetorically. He distinguished coconut milk from coconut water, which he reminded us could be used as a replacement for human plasma. (Is that true? Because if so, there is a fortune to be made in donating coconut water as plasma.) Was coconut water helpful, harmful or harmless? “Harmful!” he said.
One study showed that coconut milk was “as bad as eating an Egg McMuffin,” he explained. For the vegans who believed him, this was disturbing on multiple levels. One, coconut is a vegan staple, especially now that coconut yogurts, drinkable coconut milks and even coconut kefirs are becoming popular alternatives to the soy and rice dairy replacements, which each have their problems. Two, how could a vegan food be as bad as non-vegan food, much less a non-vegan fast food?
And three… they’re selling these deadly coconuts at the VegFest!
But the doctor was wise enough to mingle the good with the bad. There was a hushed, nervous suspense as he cruelly paused before revealing his verdict on wheat gluten, one of most vital sources of protein for vegans. When he shouted “Helpful!” there were sighs of relief, claps and cheers. I was surprised when there wasn’t a standing ovation.
Their enthusiasm was easy to understand. Dr. Greger had threatened to take away a food that is almost essential to them, and at the last moment, he returned it with his scientifically-backed, PhD-enhanced blessing. He gave them food, and he gave them life, and they loved him for it. Such is the power that vegan authorities have over the vegan masses.
His pardoning of tofu also came as a relief. Does tofu lower sperm counts, he asked? “No, it’s a myth,” he said to wild applause. The applause died a little as he went on to clarify that instead, tofu reduces sperm concentration. Eat tofu and you’ll have the same amount of sperm, you’ll just have way more ejaculate, he told the vegan breeders in the audience. Perhaps because there were children listening, he didn’t comment on whether this is the reason that vegans taste better.
But in life, joy must make way for sorrow. Raw mushrooms were to be avoided, he told us, though cooked mushrooms are fine. And blue-green algae, which is considered a vegan “superfood” and got more “helpful” votes from the audience than any other vegan food, got a severe scolding from the doctor, who said it could cause brain and nerve damage.
These vegan experts, chiseling away at all the foods vegans have left. If vegans were to combine all the vegan experts together - anti-grain and anti-bean raw foodists, anti everything but fruit fruitarians, anti-nightshade and anti-fruit macrobiotics, and the anti-fat doctors who dare to restrain vegans from their avocados, nuts and soy - and only take their advice on foods to avoid, there would be nothing left.
No wonder vegans are confused. They might as well just give up and eat anything that’s vegan.
