* You have something positive to say about Weston A. Price or the foundation that bears his name. The Weston A. Price Foundation promotes the consumption of saturated fat and cholesterol, the two most lethal food substances according to the standard vegan health argument because both of them are closely allied with animal products. Also, Weston A. Price was a dentist, and vegans hate dentists.

* You have kind words for Lierre Keith and/or Derrick Jensen. Lierre Keith cited Wikipedia in The Vegetarian Myth and Derrick Jensen thinks salmon wants him to eat them. If you could believe the words of two people who are against civilization yet use computers, no wonder you were too dumb to make veganism work.

* A naturopath helped convince you to quit veganism. That’s how Lierre Keith got out of veganism, and Lierre Keith cited Wikipedia.

* You were a raw foodist or dabbled in raw foodism. That’s too restrictive. You did veganism wrong.

* You were a low-fat vegan. That’s too restrictive. You did veganism wrong.

* You were macrobiotic or dabbled in macrobiotics. That’s too restrictive. You did veganism wrong.

* You were a junk food vegan. That’s not restrictive enough. You did veganism wrong.

* You followed all the nutritional recommendations on VeganHealth.org. You didn’t really follow the VeganHealth.org guidelines. Stop lying.

* You left the strict rules of veganism for another diet with rules, such as a Paleolithic-inspired diet. This proves you were only ever attracted to veganism due to your orthorexic obsession with a perfect diet and thus were vegan for the wrong reasons. 

* You left veganism for a diet with no rules whatsoever. This proves you have no willpower. It’s not veganism’s fault you are incapable of restricting yourself in any way.

* You had an eating disorder while you were vegan. You were selfishly using veganism as a cover for your own problem and now you’re doing best to make veganism look like a culprit, when really it had nothing to do with veganism and was always your own fault.

* You were too militant a vegan. Macrobiotics teaches that the extreme of something becomes its opposite. Extreme “vegangelicalism” inevitably becomes ex-vegangelicalism.

* You were too complacent a vegan. You thought it was enough to quietly eat your Gardein BBQ Pulled Shreds while never visiting a farm sanctuary and educating no one about the evils of factory farms. Did you ever care at all? You might as well have given up veganism. What good were you doing anyway?

* You didn’t get your blood work done before quitting veganism. You had an easily-corrected deficiency that a simple blood test would have illuminated and a supplement would have cured. You didn’t care enough to make this minimal effort because you wanted an excuse to eat animals again.

* You were deficient in iron and had negative side effects from iron supplementation. You should have found another way to get iron besides animal products.

* You don’t have a note from a vegan doctor giving you permission to eat animal products. You let your meat-eating doctor talk you out of veganism instead of going to a vegan doctor who would have known exactly what you were doing wrong and how to fix it veganically.

* You have a note from a vegan doctor begging you to eat animal products for the sake of your physical and mental health. You should have kept trying new vegan doctors until you found one who refused to give you that note.

* You were an abolitionist vegan. Your veganism was based on logical consistency rather than empathy. You never cared about animals — you only cared about the philosophical arguments in favor of veganism. A chink in Gary L. Francione’s intellectual armor is all it took for you to go back to torturing sentient beings for their secretions.

* You weren’t an abolitionist vegan. Your veganism rested on nebulous emotion instead of rock-hard epistemological ground. The moment you could look at a cow and feel nothing for this alien creature pointlessly standing in a field, eating grass and crapping, you lost any semblance of a basis you had for not eating factory farmed veal. 

* You claim you instantly felt better after eating animal products again. If this happened or seemed to happen, it was the placebo effect, but you act like there is some magical substance in meat that cured your depression, brain fog and lack of energy all at once. What else could you be deluded about? Um, gee, I don’t know… everything?

* You over-indulge in meat now that you’ve given up veganism. You were always a closet gourmand, desperate for any possible excuse to enjoy food again.

* You barely eat any animals even though you’ve given up veganism. The fact that you remain so close to veganism shows that you still know it’s right.

* You eat every part of the animal, including the spleens and pizzles, claiming this honors the animals by not wasting them. Okay, then, when we kill you, we’ll be sure to eat your spleen and pizzle so as to not waste you. Feeling honored yet? 

* You say thanks to the dead animal for giving its life to you. Idiot, dead animals can’t hear your thanks. Even if they could, they don’t speak English and surely wouldn’t offer themselves up for your selfish, taste-driven consumption. But okay, fair enough. When we kill you, we’ll be sure to thank your dead body. Would that justify our murder? “But your honor, we said thanks, gracias and merci!”

* You say “death is necessary for life.” Why don’t we kill you then and see how much you like what’s necessary for life?

* You were vegan for the environment. The vegan environmental argument is a bonus and should never be your primary motivation. Animal rights and environmentalism sometimes conflict, and you need to be sure you’ll pick the animals every time.  

* You were vegan for health. Like the orthorexic who eventually flees to paleo, you never had an ethical foundation for veganism. You are nothing but a food faddist chasing every new trend that promises to postpone your decay and demise. Anyone who goes vegan for a selfish reason like this will leave veganism as soon as it’s advantageous to do so.

* You were vegan for ethics. You were so concerned with other animals that you forgot about yourself, needlessly sacrificing your health on an unsupplemented junk food vegan diet as lent your voice to the voiceless. Ultimately this did a disservice to the animals because your health failed and you blamed it on them for being so cute and innocent and tricking you into not eating them.

* You insist that your new lifestyle is morally superior to veganism, being better for animals, the environment or both. Your “new ethics” are nothing but a rationalization to cover your guilt at secretly still knowing veganism is right. You haven’t found a new form of meaningful eating — you’ve given up meaningful eating. Admit it.

* You go back to eating meat without a philosophical justification. You were obviously never really interested in ethics.

* You were a vegan and now no longer are one.